I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
