after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
