Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
