Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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