New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
