people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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