Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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