I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Randomize
