Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
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