I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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