I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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