Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
