my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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