Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Randomize
