She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
