Just fell off a train. Bad.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
