i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
