tell your sister to shave her snatch
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I intend to get homeless drunk
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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