We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
