Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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