When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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