you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
