Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
