Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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