So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
