We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
