Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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