A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
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