If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Randomize
