I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I got her a Nickelback box set.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
