we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Ketchup is God's man juice
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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