Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
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All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
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My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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