how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
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Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
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I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
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