i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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