I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
