Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize
