we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
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