I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
