Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
