1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
