im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
