There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Randomize
