Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
