there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
