oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
