Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
