i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
