I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
