Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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