I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
