Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Randomize
