I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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