True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
