Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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