I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
