Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
